he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
