it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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