my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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