she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
