i would punch a child for taco bell
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
