you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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