i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
