Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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