Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
