My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
