if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
