I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
