How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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