we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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