I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He uses pillows to masturbate.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
