Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
