READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
