I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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