hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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