I puked a lego.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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