I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
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There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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