I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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