Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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