I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
