During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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