shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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