This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
