His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
