She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
