God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
