well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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