dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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