THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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