Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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