Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We are two peas in an std pod
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
