you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
