I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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