Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
