You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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