I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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