I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
