theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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