Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
