The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You need Xanax blowdarts
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
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