one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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