made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
