12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
