Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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