i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
