I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
