College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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