No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
