Only a mothe r could love this liver
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
