Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
