someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I will pee on everything he values.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
