So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
