You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
two words...techno handjob
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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