Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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