yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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