My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
